No excuse.

There really is no excuse for letting all these months pass by without posting. I have been avoiding posting, because I have been avoiding being accountable for my weight loss.

I have lost weight. 17 pounds, total. And I already have slimmed down from a size 16 to a size 14. So, I'm doing well. But not well enough. Last week I went to the gym for the first time in a month and a half. That's six whole weeks with hardly any exercise! That's just rediculous.

At least now that Spring is here, I can begin to get out of the house to be more active. Like, I'm going to the gym this afternoon. And I'll be hiking tomorrow. And my friends and I are even planning a trip to Orlando, FL the last weekend of June, so we'll be helping each other on weight loss goals so we can feel more confident at the beach.

Yeah, I've been slacking for a while now, but I'm ready to jump back on the wagon. Wish me luck!

Still lazy.

I still have yet to properly work on my goals. I'm still being lazy.

Be in bed by midnight: Ha. Yeah, once this week? My friends and I never seem to get together earlier than eight o'clock on any given day, so I've been putting off going to bed in favor of hanging out. I really should change that.
Be up by 10: Eh. Some days I've been up by nine. Others 11. But I have managed to get up before noon, which is an improvement.
Eat breakfast: Four times? Again, an improvement, but not quite there.
Replace sprite with water: Well, aside from tonight, I haven't been drinking any Sprite. But I haven't really been replacing it, either. So, pretty much no improvement.
I also still weigh 198 pounds.

So, I guess it's been a week of stagnation. I'll keep the same goals until I reach them, but I'll also add more gym time, even if it's only once a week, because really did feel better, and lose weight faster when I exercised.

In completely unrelated news, though, I actually sat down today to spend time finding potential jobs, an then sending out resumes. I'm pretty proud of myself.

Motivation.

I'm having a difficult time getting myself motivated enough to go to the gym, or eat healthily, or do much of anything. My weight is back up to 198 pounds, but I'm not surprised. My eating habits include some fruit, but I still consume way too much sugar and fat and carbs and cheese (I'm lactose intolerant, so eating massive amounts of cheese is really just a no-no for me.) I haven't even been to the gym since a few days after Corey's trip to the hospital three weeks ago.

It would be easy for me to claim that because I feel so overwhelmed by my to-do list, which includes getting a job, fixing my car, and saving money to work on a cruse ship (which, unfortunately has an upfront cost associated wth it), that I can't focus on eating right, or going to the gym three times a week. But that's an excuse. Of course I can, I'm just being lazy, and allowing that to hold me back.

Goals for this week:
-Be in bed by midnight, television and computer off.
-Be awake and out of bed by 10.
-Eat breakfast.
-Substitute one can of Sprite Zero with one bottle of water each day.

Oh, the humanity!

These holidays were a complete disaster from a health standpoint. Fun? Absolutely! And I'm so thankful I have friends in my life who can look out for me, laugh with me, during those three stressful weeks my brother was in the hospital. (More on that later, when I feel like posting a novel...because it's a pretty fucked up story)

But I still ate WAY too much. And not even WAY too many vegetables. Or WAY too much turkey. But WAY too many cookies, and WAY too much chocolate. And a whole bunch of liquor, too, but that was pretty fun. I don't even regret the beer calories.

I need to get back on track, though. The eating healthily should come easily enough, now that Corey's home and the rest of the family is on board with eating right. But the exercise? I'm well aware that the gym is going to be packed now with people starting their New Year's Resolutions (of which, have I ever mentioned, I'm not a big fan? If you're going to do something, do it. January 1st isn't any more special than September 17.), and I'm just not keen to go. That, and I really need a massage. I haven't been in at least a month, and these trigger points in my rhomboids and trapezius are doing some pretty mean restricting of my range of motion. Heck! My shoulder pops everytime I bring my arm around!

Okay, okay. I'm done whining. I know I just need to get my butt up and do it. I'll probably stop whining so much once I'm actually working towards my health anyway.

Weigh In, week two

My new official weight is......195!

After all my unhealthy eating this week (and believe me, it has been unhealthy), I still managed to lose a pound. I'm pretty proud of myself.

But I wouldn't be surprised if it's not my amazing ability to turn down deliciously fatty foods in exchange for mediocre side salads at fast food restaurants that's lost me the weight. This past week has been stressful, and I'm fairly sure I've been eating less because of it. We also have not properly gone grocery shopping in the five and a half days since my dad's paycheck has come in, so food has been a little scarce.

It's completely understandable, though. My parents have been worried sick over Corey for an entire week now, and haven't been able to focus their attention on much else. So I've taken over in some areas, creating menus for the week filled with healthy food items that are easy to make ahead, making shopping lists, taking over the cleaning, organizing, laundry....all the home stuff to make it easier on them. It's made me pretty freaking tired, but I'm happy to do it for them. All that's really left is to actually buy the groceries needed. We can't follow the menu if we have no food in the house.

On a much lighter note, though, I had a terrific day yesterday!

When I graduated massage school in October, my best friend, Ryan, was going to buy me my first tattoo. We were going to make a day out of it. Stuff got in the way since then, but yesterday we finally were able to go!

Mine is a lotus flower with the om symbol, which is the visual representation of the mantra 'Om Mani Padme Hum', or the mantra of compassion. It has a great personal meaning to me, so it's fitting for my first tattoo.

I don't know how to limit myself.

For the past several days, I've been able to get myself to the gym despite all that's going on at home, which is great. But I have discovered two things.

One, I suck at lunges. It's not that I can't do it, just that I nearly fall over every time I do.

And two, I have really poor self control. It's not bad when we have fruits and vegetables around, because I don't feel bad eating lots of them. Plus, eating lots of them is very filling. But we're out of healthy food, and so I've been snacking on crackers, and cookies, and all sorts of carbalicious foods. I probably had 14 cookies in just under a half hour tonight. One right after another. Did I even enjoy eating all those cookies? Was it a very pleasurable experience? I don't think so.
Now I just feel sick from all the sugar, and dissapointed in my self control.

But that's how it's always been for me, for my family. Why have one cookie when I can have the whole package? If one scoop of ice cream is good, isn't six better? I don't know how to stop myself. All I know how to do is divert my attention from cookies to strawberries. Or from ice cream to yogurt. Or from Mountain Dew to a water bottle of Crystal Light. Beyond that, I just don't know how to stop myself from eating when I'm not hungry. Or, at the very least, eating only one or two cookies at a time, and leaving the rest to a later date.

*sigh*
I have to work on that.

Drama.

Today was absolutely surreal.

This morning my mom, my best friend, and I were supposed to drive down to a local book store. But before we could even get dressed and out the door, my mom heard my 16 year old brother in hysterics in his room.

God this story sounds bizzare even to me.

He is absolutely convinced of a reality that has never occured. A reality that involves killing two people. He believes he killed two people (one of whom is a celebrity) in October, went on trial, and was proved innocent.

Needless to say, we were all very disturbed by his delusions. My parents took him to a hospital around noon, and finally came home eleven hours later. He's been taken to behavioral center for a full psychiatric evaluation over the next 72 hours.

I'm not terribly worried, because I've been saying he needs professional help for his depression for a while, and now he'll be able to get it. It's just pretty unfortunate that it happened this way. Psychotic episodes and delusions.

In fact, I've mostly been worried about my parents, who are understandably worried about their son, not to mention the burden of financial strain these ambulances and hospital visits will cause on our already overburdened budget.


But, bless my best friend's heart, he's been worried about me all day. He picked me up from my house while he and his mom were out shopping, because he figured I'd want to get out for a while. They bought me some Starbucks hot chocolate and crumb cake, and he keeps telling me if I need to talk I can call him. Even in the middle of the night. Even though he has finals the next two days. Now that's love. He's a fantastic friend. I mean, I'm not emotionally distressed or anything, but it's nice to know he's there anyway.

Well, needless to say, my "try to eat healthily" eating habits have been disrupted for the day. But I can't say I'm too dissapointed in myself by this point. I wasn't very focused on getting all my veggies in or anything.


I just can't begin to describe how weird this day was.